Aug
03
What’s Wrong with League of Legends?


League of Legends is a fuckers game. It’s bad. Objectively bad. If you think otherwise, then you are an unintelligent bastard FOOL But I know what you’re thinking Hey Darkkmane If League bad, then why so many people play? Guys, so many people play, because so many people are WRONG. The only reason League of Legends has 67 million players each month is because Riot Games keeps releasing skins to jack off to! A GENIUS STRATEGY MIND YOU Outside of that League of Legends is an OBJECTIVELY Bad game I will explain exactly why it’s bad – exactly what’s wrong with League of Legends So if any all out there work for Riot, Games uh, take notes sweetie, cuz this is some quality advice I’m about to lay down. Alright? And your game? Well, it’s dying. Alright? it’s a dying game. Let’s be honest It’s not even the most played video game in the world anymore Alright, I mean thanks to fork knight League of Legends is now only the SECEND MOST played video game in the world What a fucking embarrassment. Dead game idiots. Go to hell. *Greatness* However riot do not fear for I am a man on the internet with no game design experience therefore I am far more qualified to fix your game than you. So just listen up now before I start I know what you’re thinking Hey darkk mane Instead of complaining about the game couldn’t just simply stop playing League of Legends and move on to a different game that you enjoy more? NO I’m enjoying my anger. Also, I’ve spent over [3000] dollars on this game buying skins to jack off to. The sum cost is far too much So I’m locked in. I cannot leave and I never will. Dear God. Anywho, let’s move on to problem number one Guys the first problem with League of Legends has to do with the roster and honestly, I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned it yet Because once you take just one look at the League of Legends roster, well the problem should become pretty obvious Guys there’s way too many characters. How do you expect a man to remember all these characters riot? According to science the human brain can only remember up to three things AGGRESSIVE COUGHING three things and you expect people to remember 140 million characters!? it’s ridiculous and furthermore A lot of these characters have glaring problems that make them OBJECTIVELY not fun to play against so naturally my first step to fixing League of Legends is to cut down the roster now the question remains: who stays and who goes? We’re gonna remove all the bad champions in League of Legends, once we do this, League will become an objectively better game! First, we’re removing assassins. I don’t like being killed so fast. Let me survive goddammit! Then we’re removing tanks! I don’t like taking so long to kill someone. Let me kill them faster, Goddammit! After, that, We’re going to remove support. So those assholes can stop complaining about how underappreciated they are. Then we’re removing all the animal champions, I’m not an animal. I’m a man! Why would I wanna play as an animal? I WANNA PLAY AS A MAN! Next, We’re removing all the children champions. This game is rated T for teen, not B for baby. Get out of here. And no you can’t use that excuse. You’re still going to jail! we’re removing champions who use guns, because it’s too much violence! champions who use swords, because it’s too much violence! champions who use axes, because it’s too much violence! champions who play music, because it’s too much violins! champions who are related to birds, fuck birds! champions who are really short! fuck out of here, man. fucking short pieces of shit champions whose names start with the letter V! it’s a bad letter. champions who use spears because they’re just flat not a sphere! champions whose names are: brand, diana, ezreal, illaoi, irelia! champions who have snares! champions with multiple forms! kai’sa, because she’s really fucking good! ivern cuz he really fucking sucks! fiddlesticks, because he’s too scary! udyr, cuz he’s too hairy. yorick, cause he likes to bury! and jax, cause they can carry a game with a very big damage and you better lose yourself in the music the moment you own it You better never let it go. YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT Now, Lee Sin. Now Lee sin though, now there’s a balanced champion He’s REMOVED! Champions who go underground! champions who throw rocks! champions who throw cards! champions that throw balls! Jarvan IV coz the first three were better! Urgot, cuz he’s got too many fucking legs! Trundle, cuz I fucking died! Kog’Maw! Malzahar! Sivir! Xerath! Zillean! Mordekaiser! Camille, Karthus, Yoshi, Donkey Kong, This Guy, Wario Tom Clancy, UBISOFT! And so We’ve removed all the bad characters from this game Not many remain, however, they do remain nonetheless That’s right, we’ve cut down the roster to only three characters! Gragas, Ashe and aurelion sol The combination of these three characters is the perfect roster and it translates beautifully to riot’s skin selling business as well We got Gragas so the girls can jack off, Ashe, so the guys can jack off, And Aurelion Sol for all you sick fucks out there! I believe that these characters are essential to making league of legends an objectively good game and all the other ones can go to hell *GREATNESS RISES* So now that we’ve stripped this game of all it’s bad and unnecessary characters It’s time to look at the map that the remaining characters will be on – now this map, it’s good, but it’s not spectacular You know, it could use some improvements. Now, I like what they’ve done with the- the green stuff on the ground here I believe it’s called grass. It’s pretty good However, it’s not very easy to relate to because you know grass isn’t real. However, you know, what is real? buildings. So I say that we slap a giant building in the middle of the map, you know Like maybe like a castle of some sort. You know what I mean? Everybody likes castles This is gonna objectively improve the game by a million percent Now moving on to problem number three the players now in my experience The worst part of League of Legends is the people you play with online I mean some of these people really fucking suck So in order to improve this game, I’ve decided to remove all the people entirely! now There’s only one people – you! it’s a single-player game now Which brings me to problem number four the story because you know every single player game needs a good story And for this game, I thought that maybe a cool plot would be I don’t know maybe Aurelion Sol, the dragon character kidnaps Ashe, the princess character and then Gragas has to go into the castle and save her, you know? not shirtless though. That’s obscene We got to cover this guy up maybe with some Overalls and hat I guess I don’t know and then when he goes into the castle maybe he can like go into these rooms that have these paintings that he can jump into and whenever he jumps maybe he goes [YAHOO!!!] I don’t know, just riffing, you know, and after that we just add some funky jazz music in the background and badabop boom pow guys We’ve done it! now we’ve got ourselves an objectively good game based on my opinion! after all these changes I proposed League of Legends is now a game that I like and that’s really all that matters to me So in conclusion Riot Games, you’re welcome. All right. I mean now you know what you have to do, you know So yeah I expect these changes to be made by Monday Shouldn’t be too hard and I’ll be eagerly looking forward to playing the new and improved League of Legends Thank you all for listening Join me next week when I show Blizzard had to objectively improve overwatch by turning all the characters in a 16-bit pastel-colored animals that run really fast and they collect these rings that