Top Ten Shittiest Games Of 2019 (The Jimquisition)

[Music] 2019 has been a hell of a year. In the game industry there has been some bullshit, but there’s also been some top-quality titles. Capcom’s been on a tear with the Resident Evil 2 remake, and Devil May Cry 5, a Plague Tale: Innocence, and Disco Elysium gave us some some strong, narratively-driven experiences. The Outer Worlds! Was the spiritual successor to Fallout: New Vegas that we were all clamoring for in the wake of Fallout 76. There are some titles that I wanted to give shout-outs to that we didn’t even have room for, when we were giving out our Best of the Year. Games like Children of Morta, Blasphemous. But! …This is the game industry. And the game industry is full of swill. Swill that must be cataloged! Swill that must be immortalized! Swill that must find its way into the vault of the Shittiest Game of the Year Awards. So here we are once more, with the Top Ten Shiiiiiiiiiitiest Games of 2019. [Upbeat music] Take it away, Skeletor! (as Skeletor) “Nyyyaaa Anthem!” Anthem is a complete waste of time, money, and effort on everybody’s part. Not just the customers’, but the developers’ and publisher as well. One of the most pitiful attempts to jump on board the “live service” gravy train (outside of Fallout 76) [lid shut, fire] BioWare’s departure from critically-acclaimed RPGs to boring, repetitive, severely-under cooked “looter shooters” should leave a lot to be desired. Except it’s Anthem. Which means I desire fucking none of it! Here’s Anthem in a friggen nutshell, right? You fly to a place, you shoot the things, you play a mind-numbing game of hot and cold. You fly to a place, you shoot the things, you play a mind-numbing game of hot and cold, et cetera. In-between these monotonous steps you’ll be forced to listen to radio calls from some jackass talking some jackass shit for ages. The world of Anthem sparks no imagination, encourages no exploration, it’s a lifeless universe of drudging routine, and pointless vaguery. When I finally decided to stop playing it, I literally said, out loud, from my mouth hole, “I can’t take any more of this.” Going through piles of loot that’s just dreary assault rifles, and pistols and shit. Playing Chocobo hot and cold without the Chocobo. Serviceable – at best – combat driven into the ground by a game that does nothing with its tools but tread water. All punctuated by a sheer lack of content. Content that was meant to be added as part of a “road map” that never came to be, because Anthem is a waste of space. It’s suggested that somewhere, BioWare is still committed to turning Anthem into something worth owning, but the dwindling playerbase, and the complete failure to deliver on this game’s promises doesn’t make up for anything they try and do now. What makes Anthem truly shitty though is the abuse committed in its name. And it is abuse! BioWare’s awful management pushed developers beyond breaking point with crunch, terrible, last-minute decisions, and a game caught in development limbo until basically the final months. People had legit breakdowns over this game. And for the end result to be such a miserable shell is fucking criminal. Awful game. [music] (as Skeletor) “Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus!” Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus isn’t a videogame it’s a… situation. That’s the best way to describe this loathsome, bloody disaster. It makes the legendarily terrible Life of Black Tiger look like fucking God of War. I hesitate to use this word, but Samael was… ‘developed’ by recurring Shittiest Games winner, Gilson B. Pontes. Known for such infamous tragedies as Sword of Fortress the Onomuzen, and Spear of Destiny the Kaiseki. If you’re wondering why the game titles use weird words, it’s because Pontes is pretentious as fuck! Anyway, the footage of Samael The Legacy of Ophiuchus (no fucking punctuation, by the way) isn’t doctored. None of this footage is altered. It really is just that bad! With brutal screen tearing and so much blur it’s about to sing Song 2. If you want to simulate the Samael experience without giving money to Pontes, play Dark Souls with your controller upside-down, and fresh cum in your eyes. It still won’t be as awful, but it’s the closest you can get. The game just barely works, which is a Pontes trademark. The big gimmick is the ability to ride a dragon which doesn’t breathe fire, or fight, or anything, it just kind of almost flies? But here’s the best bit! Riding the dragon makes all objective markers – and enemies – disappear completely! Which makes it less than worthless! Just like the game it’s in. When you do fight enemies you just mash buttons and hope you kill it as your dodge is useless, And why am I even talking about mechanics?! Even. Anyway. Even. Just look at it! Look! This is a PS4 game! It’s a PS4 game! It’s sickening! A sickening abomination! See ya next year, Gilson. [music] (as Skeletor) “Crackdown 3!” Crackdown 3? More like “Crapdown Wee”! Ha ha ha, that was a funny joke. Crackdown 3 is sort of a joke as well. But it’s not funny, it’s just shit. It’s an uninspired retread of the original Crackdown, which isn’t such a bad thing until you remember this isn’t fucking 2007. The world has moved on! So far on, since the first Crackdown. But this series sure as balls hasn’t. It doesn’t even look like it’s graphically evolved much. To say nothing of the clunky controls, weakly threadbare combat, and the fact that Crackdown 3 has incorporated next to fucking nothing from the many advancements made in the 13 years since Crackdown’s release. For some, playing a blatant rehash of Crackdown sounds like a good idea. But those are people who have bad ideas! This thing looks and plays like a budget title in today’s world, and even if it had come out back when Crackdown was a relevant series, it would still come off as a lazy, slapdash recycle job. Because that’s exactly what it is. The fact Microsoft squirted it out without any fanfare whatsoever is a testament to its worthlessness. The game’s controls feel like genital itching, the physics are floaty and messy, and the gameplay loop is tepid, tired, and tedious. In a market saturated with open-world titles, every new entry needs to raise its game. And Crackdown 3 decided to raise nothing but my hackles. Now go on, admit it. You’d completely forgotten this game existed until now, didn’tcha? Ha ha ha, that’s okay! By tomorrow you’ll have forgotten about it again. [music] (as Skeletor) “Left Alive!” (electronic voice) “Caution, the enemy is approaching.” “Caution.. the enemy is approaching.” “Caution, caution, the enemy is approaching.” “The enemy is, the enemy is ap- the enemy is.” “Caution. Caution. Caution.” “The enemy is-” (laser gun fire) (dying character) “My job’s… not.. done yet…” (slow mo) “Caution” Left Alive, where do we even begin? Essentially Metal Gear Solid fan fiction gone horribly wrong, somehow Left Alive had the incredible freaking gumption to charge $60 for its ugly, broken, infuriating bullshit. It tries SO hard to look and feel exactly like Metal Gear Solid and it’s fucking embarassing. An embarrassment made worse by the fact that, for all its aesthetic aping of a superior series, it’s hard to believe any single person working on Left Alive has actually PLAYED a Metal Gear Solid videogame! Or a videogame in general for that matter. The UI and the menu may copy MGS, But oh, my friend, the actual gameplay. Jesus. Christ. Much of the gameplay is about laying traps on the floor, and luring enemies one by one into them with excruciating slowness. When you’re not doing that, you’re just walking from Point A to Point B with the enemies too spread out to be a threat, but with the game constantly fucking yelling that the enemy is approaching. And they’re not approaching, you’re approaching them! They’re just stood still with their bad AI. A health bar and guns for the player have been included in the game, but I think it’s been done as a joke? You get spotted by enemies in this game and you will be shot down within seconds. Seconds! There is literally no point to having a health bar. This is a long, slow, trudge of a game. The stealth barely works. Sometimes guards won’t see you if you’re a foot in front of them, sometimes they spot you from miles away. It’s so boring. And confusing! And I genuinely wonder if the developers know what videogames are, how they work, and what they’re supposed to do. Garbage. Hot fucking garbage! [music] (trailer announcer voice) “This summer,” “She wants to help her patients.” “He wants a donor.” “He wants to find love.” “And he…” “wants to die.” [warped screams and distorted sounds] “Just Add Love.” “Coming soon.” [music] (as Skeletor) “SolSeraph!” [sword drawn, loud fart] SolSeraph is the spiritual successor to ActRaiser, that’s what Sega’s marketing department will tell you. What I’ll tell you is that SolSeraph is the spiritual successor to some dog shit. A bad game, made for you to have a bad time. It alternates between a clumsy, unresponsive, yet punishing action-platformer and a sluggish, mundane, wholly sub par tower defense. Controls are astoundingly laggy, a problem made worse by monsters jumping in from off-screen to ambush you. It’s authentically distressing to play! Something to ruin your day! That’s the platforming side. The tower defense dross is marginally better than the platforming crap, but to be marginally better than abject misery isn’t particularly good, is it? I’d actually recommend playing Anthem over this thing. Anthem. And that’s on this list! [music] (as Skeletor) “WWE 2k20!” (yelled distantly) What the fuck is this shit? [music] (as Skeletor) “Contra: Rogue Corps!” [Konami alarm sounds] “Hit the lever!” [Konami news music intro] Contra: Rogue Corps is Konami’s annual bad videogame. Last year the publisher insulted Metal Gear Solid’s legacy with the insipid Metal Gear Survive, and this year it’s Contra’s turn to be mocked by a company that literally doesn’t give a toss. A mere three words best describe what Contra: Rogue Corps is like. Your. Weapons. Overheat. They overheat! You can’t keep firing them, or they stop working! In a Contra game! A goddamn Contra game! You know, that series where shooting is literally the jizzing point of it. Even worse, the overheating and cooldown conditions on weapons are fucking awful! You can’t fire for more than a few seconds, the overheat meter lags a little on screen, so you can’t even accurately judge when you should stop firing before the gun breaks. The whole thing is overall way too restrictive, and is so stop-y start-y it breaks whatever flow this game could have hoped to muster. They had the worst idea you could have for a Contra game, and then implemented it in the worst way possible for ANY game. It’s almost a technical fucking marvel how bad they did this. This cheaply cobbled-together speck of filth is truly unpleasant to experience. While perhaps not the worst game I’ve ever played, it may very well be the most pathetic. Even by Konami’s subterranean standards, Contra: Rogue Corps is downright humiliating. The shooting lacks any sense of impact, each level is the same old bland trash, and it starts recycling content within the first half hour! With the same bosses repeated multiple times often in the same level, with only mild variation. And end-level monsters take a bafflingly long time to kill, without ever being hard. So you’re just chipping away at these long enemy health meters like you’re cutting down a tree with a spoon. In fact, every level is long, repetitive, and self-cannibalizing. After ten minutes you’ve seen practially all Contra has to offer. But it offers it over and over and over, until you delete it off your harddrive forever. Which is what you should do. Also, it’s visually hideous and characters don’t even cast fucking shadows! Mm? Look. They don’t even cast fucking shadows. Bleugh. [music] (as Skeletor) “Nyaa Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey!” Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey got some attention in no small part thanks to its lead designer, Patrice Désilets. First off, his status as a former Assasin’s Creed developer gave the game some pedigree. But when it finally came out, it was completely forgotten about, and the world barely gave a shit. Then, Patrice Désilets gave it some more attention. When he accused reviewers of not playing the game, which was his excuse for it having a low Metacritic score. Not even a dreadfully low one. But he said because he’s worked on Assassin’s Creed games before, he’s used to “higher numbers than that.” Fuck off. The precious eggshell prince seems to think people just don’t “get” his unique and brilliant game. Well, I’ve played it. …for a bit. Then I stopped. Cuz it was shit! Some games get credit for not holding the player’s hand and letting them figure things out, but there’s a thin line between a game of discovery and a game of willfully inscrutable bollocks. The game is basically about running around as a fucking chimp trying to work out what to do. And it’s slow, it’s vague, it’s painfully boring. So basically I just got my chimp high on mushrooms and called it a day. [eating and ambient jungle noises] [distorted pop song] This game makes the cut not just for being dull rubbish, but for all the arrogance surrounding it. Besides which, everyone knows if you want a genuine evolutionary experience you play The Human Race on the Commodore 64. (sings as Skeletor) “And toss a coin to your Witcher,” “O’ Valley of Plenty” “Yeah yeaaaaahhh!” “Toss a coin to your Witcher” “A friend of humanityyyyyy” “Heheheheheheheh!” “Heeeeeeeeeee!” [music] (as Skeletor) “Flowers Are Dead!” This trailer is incredible. Simply bloody amazing. It starts with water flooding everywhere, a devastating deluge of disastrous dimensions. Everything is submerged. We see in the depths the remains of a civilization now gone. Cities emptied. Only the material goods of humanity left in the wake of our disappearance. A deserted school bus! With a teddy floating inside for poignancy. Mannequins in a shop window serving as static reminders of humanity, artificial hair floating almost sorrowfully. But then! Then the water starts to flow backwards. Time is reversed. Buildings, once drowned, now see sunlight once more. A rat provides a glimmer of life! As a high school gym drains, the water, its course now irrevocably reversed, pours its way into an apartment building and up the stairs. The music is swelled! Our anticipation with it! …Only to find that the water was someone crying because of how emotional Death Stranding is – ah ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha… (inhales) AH HA ha ha ha ha! (gasping breaths between laughs) Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! I saw this trailer play in the movie theater when I went to see Rise of the Skywalker, and I burst out laughing. Way too loud in public for a normal person. It’s so shamelessly fucking pompous. Basking in its own contrived adulation. A pretentious and self-serving ego trip of an advert that lays claim to a sentimental resonance that it’s done absolutely nothing to deserve. David Cage would approve. An unqualified attempt at emotional manipulation that might trick a dumbass into thinking it means something, but to everyone else is a hilariously mortifying display of complete and total arrogance. As for Death Stranding? Well I think I just described that, too. Anyway, speaking of trailers, Flowers Are Dead gained mild attention for having the worst game trailer of all time. Literally nothing happens in it. This is it. The trailer. That’s… that’s all, this is all what it is. People laughed at how bad it was, especially as like with Life of Black Tiger, it was found on the official PlayStation YouTube channel. Giving it the appearance of tacit support, from the PS4 platform holder itself. The thing is, when you actually play the game you realize that the worst trailer of all time, is actually the best part of the game it’s advertising. The best you can say about the game is that it’s thematically consistent with its marketing since you do fucking nothing in it. It’s a game truly deserving of the designation ‘walking simulator’. You literally just walk. Occasionally listening to some vague gibberish on cassette. The only fun to be had is in walking to another cassette before the last one stopped playing. Because not only the audio, but the subtitles overlap. And that’s it. Literally, that’s it. That’s Flowers Are Dead. What you’re looking at on your screen right now is Flowers Are Dead. The beginning and the end of it. That’s what it is. [music] (laughs maniacally as Skeletor) “Ghost Recon: Breakpoint!” Ubisoft has a habit of making all its games follow a similar pattern to the point where titles in entirely different genres still kinda feel the same. Big open spaces with the same nebulous busywork dotted all around it, Some of Ubisoft’s titles still manage to be quite fun and enter into a satisfying gameplay loop. Not all of them though. Some of them are drab, po-faced, glitchy, and stuffed with fucking microtransactions, because of course they are. Also, they’ll be one of those ‘live service’ games that demand an always-online requirement but don’t actually stay online themselves. And that’s Tom Clancy’s Ghostbreak Con Wreakpoint. When I first bought the game, I couldn’t play it for over two hours because the servers were down. And when I finally got into it, I was frequently booted out of the game for the same reason. Much of the criticism for Anthem can apply to Tommy Recon’s Ghost Clancy Breakdance. It’s a vast, empty world of brown, where the openness of the world serves no other purpose than to make it take longer to get anything done. Gameplay is repetitive, looter-shooter nonsense where the loot in quest in yet more boring fucking guns. And the driving physics? Well, they’re borderline ‘iconic.’ [The song “Mr. Booze” from “Robin and the 7 Hoods (1964)” plays.] [song end, loud splat] Ghost Clancy’s Tom Clancy Point Break is worse within the context of its release year. As Ubisoft had already pumped out an open-world, third-person, looter-shooter live service with The Division 2. Which was enjoyable enough in its own mediocre and very political way. Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakfast is just The Devision 2 but worse! Inexcusable. Utterly fucking inexcusable. With its half-hearted shooting, laborious travel, unpolished buggy nature, and almost every aspect of the game being monetized to hell and back, I had a sad time playing Tom Tom Tom’s Tom Tom Tom: Tom Tom. Like just a sad feeling inside. Is what I had. I hate this game. Because it is very bad to play. So there you have it! The Shittiest Games of 2019. Do you agree? Are there some you thought were left off? Why not say so in the comments? And I will probably not read them. Until next year! Oh, oh! See you next year, and also see you next decade! Ah HA HA HA HA ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! That’s a thing people say! (laughs maniacally) (laughs louden into shouts) Thank God for me! [calm outro music]