B-but…why are you leaving? I’m a free agent now Will you be back? Yes, one way or another Your Stashe Brother Steven will look after you now You will be in good hands…dlebars She’ll be a’right Well, I must be going now It’s time for me to test the markets Ya! Ya! Fare thee well, brothers! Good on ya, mate! Farewell Kevin Now I do what I want I know you and Russ had your issues, but I can assure you there will be no such chemistry problems here Well that’s nice to hear Plus you’ll have the services of the premier point guard in the realm Wait, uh, so better than Steph Curry? Well, certainly top three Well, there’s Russell and Chris Paul… Top three point guard…in the East is what I meant OK um, well then there’s Kyrie Irving– Kyrie’s gotta be No. 1 and then Kyle Lowry…he’s pretty good these days And Isaiah Thomas? Honestly underrated– Shut up Bradley! Do you want him to play here or not! Well I’m just being honest! Oh you want honesty? I’d be top three EASY if my max contract shooting guard wasn’t always INJURED Oh, so sorry John! I put my body on the line for this team! (mocking, falsetto): Oh, I’m Bradley! I’m made of glass! Will you two twits shut up! (sigh) As I was saying, uh, the chemistry here… definitely top five… in the East So…uh, what’s that… what’s that over there? What’s that box? Soul Box I’m sorry, you said “soul box”? Soul Box Soul box. So…like a box… for souls? When you sign with the Spurs your soul and your personality are put into the box Riiiiight. So… do I get it back? Indubitably Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaaa So What are your thoughts on tankin’? Oh it’s true If you were to join us, you’d be endlessly ridiculed, your old teammates will despise you and the fans in Oklahoma will cook their stew on the flames of your burning jersey People will call you a traitor, a coward and some may say you’ve destroyed the entire balance of the realm But…on the other hand! If you were to join us, we would be… so good Cleveland! This is for you! But we will win not just one championship! Not two! LeBron, um, sorry, uh…you might want to read this Can this wait? Not three! It concerns some changes next year If this is about Delly going to the Bucks…I think we’ll live Not four but…! Um…But one is fine! Some people never get championships And we should be happy with this one Well we’re all very excited to have you here But I must warn you, the Garpax has eyes EVERYWHERE Be careful what you say and let your game do the talking Have no doubt, I’m as healthy as ever AND I shoot threes now There’s no reason we can’t form a superteam Is that…is that Dwyane Wade?
—here in Chicago Oh Seven Hells It is. It is you! Who is that? Someone you know? Mario Chalmers We used to play together in Miami Oh great, here we go Hello Rio Nooooo You’re on the Bulls now? Oh that’s so WEIRD We was on a superteam together “The Big Four!” ‘Member those days, Dwyane? …no? But I can’t blame you for leaving really Twilight-a your career… bad knees, bad shoulders… maybe you can scrape together one last playoff run with… sorry what’s your name? Jimmy Butler Oh You DO look a lot like Michael Jordan Well it’s all very exciting We must be going now, I’m afraid Oh. Alright, um, well, if you need a point guard or whatever… or whatever…
just, send me a raven, yeah? just, send me a raven, yeah? We have Rondo Oh well, you never know with him He’s a bit… (crazy whistle) You’ll definitely need a veteran backup, no? We have plenty of depth but we’ll keep you in mind Cause…you know, we could be a superteam again! Bye Rio! YOU CAN YELL AT ME ALL YOU LIKE I DON’T MIND! Alright, well… guess I’ll head to Cleveland Gadzooks! Come in, come in! I came to say hello and welcome you to Houston Ah! Why thank you! And you must be the new scouting apprentice! I’ve been expecting you Uh…I’m your starting shooting guard… James Harden? All Realm shooting guard? James… James… you say… one moment please! Aha! James Harden! The point guard. Forgive me. Shooting guard– I’ve been studying your game… it’s marvelous. Brilliant really! Oh, that’s very kind of you to say… So you…have a lot of books, I see This whole shelf is… inbound plays? Ah yes… baseline, sideline… I also keep iso plays in there somewhere for no good reason really And this shelf here, all books on the art of the pass Wow! Over there, that’s tempo plays, pick and rolls… you name it! Feel free to borrow them as you please, by the way Wow I bet you need whole new library just for all defensive plays Hmm? Defense…like…you know when the other team has the ball? …And they try to…you know…score… on… us? Oh no no no. None of that here It’s a waste of energy and it’s no fun I say half the defense… double the offense! Five minutes, Melo Understood Ser Oakley Carmelo… seems you’re my last friend in Knicks colors Quite the opposite, actually The whole city cheers your name outside these Garden walls I saw what they did to you More like what I did to them It’s not right You’re a legend I’m just an old enforcer When I saw how the front office was treating you… well… I did what I’ve always done… I stand up for our best players ’Specially against the twonks who run this house these days Well I’m here to return the favor Now c’mon, we don’t have much time Whaddya mean? Whaddya doin’? We’re getting you out of here Wait…who’s “we”? (Whistle) Derrick! The key! Toss it now! Huh? Joakim? Where’s Derrick? He had to go He had family issues What? Well do you have the key? Uh huh, yeah… Well then toss it! Right, right. Okay, sure Oh crap Men! Do you hear that? It’s game time! YEAH! It’s early, for sure, but if the season ended today, we’d barely be in the eighth seed Do you want to be in the eighth seed? No! Aye! No, Thad, we don’t want that Ayyyyyye DON’T want the eighth seed I don’t want that… We are the Pacers of Indiana! We don’t settle for the eighth seed No! Would Ser Reggie Miller have settled for the eighth seed? No! Would Jermaine of Neal have settled for the eighth seed? No! Probably not! Would… M-Mark Jackson or… Rik Smits have settled for the eighth seed? Maybe? Who is Rip Smith? We are not an eighth seed team! Better than that! We will not be a seventh seed team! Well, we probably will be though What I see, is MUCH better than our record I see a… fifth or sixth seed team! Probably seventh Who will at BEST make it to the second round FIRST!
But probably no further! But probably no further! YEAH I’M OKAY WITH THAT! Right now, our defense is 25th in the league Let’s get that up to 15th! Yeah! And our offense…it’s 20th! Boo! Let’s inch that up to maybe also 15! 15! So let’s go out there and send those Pistons back to Detroit and fulfill our destiny! To have a decent regular season and a forgettable playoffs! YEAH! What is going on? Shhh….it’s the trade deadline This could be our ticket out of here Why would you want to leave? Aren’t we in line for the first pick? No, we’re not! Because that fool Billy King traded it to Boston a few years ago! What!? I know! They’re idiots– Der coming! Der coming! Back up, back up! Everybody back up! I’m sorry to announce… we have made a trade Oh yes oh yes Please please please Bojan Yeah You’re going to Washingfell Sorry Oh my god! They are like, uh… They have like…wins Yes Thirty-four wins, they have THIRTY-FOUR?! Oh man, that’s like so many wins! I know you’re disappointed, but… pack your bags They expect you there on the morrow Right. Right. Oh yeah I’m very sad This is so–I’m very sad but I’ll go pack now and fight all the tears Um…love all you guys! Thanks, uh, Lord Commander–ex-Lord Commander! Oh this is so sad! This is SO GOOD! OH I’M FREE! I’M FREE FROM THIS PIECE OF SHIT TEAM! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I DON’T HAVE TO BE IN STUPID BROOKLYN THIS IS THE DUMBEST PLACE WORST FRANCHISE EVER! MAN THESE GUYS ARE F– Any..uh…other trades to report? Or… No Dammit! Now, come on, it’s time to practice Tomorrow we lose to the Nuggets! Who goes there? House Magic! What are they doing here? We don’t play ‘em for a fortnight What do you want? We want to propose a trade! Well we don’t need a trade. We’re contenders! Oh come on now, you’re fifth in the East! You’re worse than the…Hawks right now! Don’t you want to compete with the Cavs? I mean, It’s true We could use, like, a power forward Well then do it! Do it! Do it! Well alright, whaddya got? Serge Ibaka! He shoots, dunks, and he’s an elite rim protector. He’s everything you need Isn’t that right Serge? I defend anyone Except LeBron Alright. Okay Well what do you want for him? DeMar DeRozan! No! He’s my friend! Argh. Very well Worth a shot Then give us… Norman Powell! No! He’s…too young! But I’m also your friend, right? Shush Norman! I’m trying to make a trade here! I am also his friend! Norman! Alright. Well then what else do you have to offer? We’ll give you… Can we trade Drake? I don’t think so. No What about Terrence? What about Terr– You can have Terrence Ross Well what does he do? He’s like… an older Norman No I’m not Terrence! You’ll like it in Orlando. It’s warm Let the man speak! Terrence, what do you do? Well, I’m a pretty good 3 and D player… Um… though some people might call me inconsistent… So maybe I’m not a good 3 and D player– No no no, you are! I AM a good 3 and D player OH! And a decorated dunker! Well he’s certainly inconsistent Throw in a draft pick and it’s a deal! A draft pi– Fine, but then you gotta give us somethin’ else too! Something else? Ugh Alright we’ll give you a choice You can either have…Mario Hezonja… Or…this horse Well what does Mario do? He scores three points a game And what does the horse do? It’s a f– it’s a horse! It walks around with people on it I don’t know…does horse things! That kid was the fifth pick in the draft. He’s probably got potential. Yeah but it’s a horse! It does horse things! We’ll take the horse! Well, look who it is the Brow…and the Foul Just ignore them. They’re trying to get under your skin Aww…how cute is that, Enes Look at them They’re like closer than his eyebrows! Looks like Boogie Cousins has a Boogie Brother I don’t know though, I’m a bit scared I mean, with this chemistry they’ve got? I think they’ve got a real shot at the 10th seed You know, you talk a lot for someone who has less rebounds than his point guard Keep your focus, DeMarcus If you get a technical, you’ll be suspended again I’m sorry. We’re being rude I’m actually a big admirer of your game I love da move where you fake left, roll right, and then get ejected You know for being a big, whiney pu– I’ll knock that fancy little stache so far down your throat you’ll have a merkin on your entrails Hey hey! Stop it! Stop it! It’s not worth it! He’s right. Enough of this King of the Prairie! King of the Prairie! While we’re bickering over eyebrows and mustaches, Golden State is marching towards the championship Save your energy for the real fight ARGH! FINE! To hell with Golden State! Technical foul! Oh, c’mon! You gotta be kiddin’ me, ref! For what? Uh, disembowelment of a referee which the league is sort of crackin’ down on now… Do you like it here…in Dallas? Very much so Better than Golden State? Golden State is a very special place dear to my heart But I’m very happy here in my new home But don’t you miss being a contender? I have a much larger role here thanks to the graciousness of our Lord Ah! Nerlens! I almost didn’t recognize you without your cylindrical hair It is an honor to present my king Lord Mark of House Mavericks Kiss me, child Thank you, Harrison We’re delighted to have you here Please, sit! Would you like a rib? No thank you, I’m not very hungry Oh, child. You can’t come to Texas and not enjoy some barbeque! Okay You like the ribs? It’s very good They’re Chandler Parsons …favorite thing to eat when he was here Oh, you must be thirsty Where’s the sweet tea? WHERE’S THE SWEET TEA? Well don’t just stand there, you imbecile! Get the DAMN sweet tea! Now, I know things were…difficult for you in Philadelphia I’m very grateful for my time at House Sixers– Oh, stop it It’s dreadful in that chamber pot of a franchise Now, come on you can be honest with me I’m not like those other owners, you know I’m a cool guy Just a normal cool guy Noted Well, if I’m being honest there were a lot of centers and not enough minutes Frankly, I was very sick of losing There there, child! There’s no need to worry anymore Here in Dallas, we never tank Now, chin up! Aren’t you excited to play with Dirk? Oh yes, he’s…very good He’s the greatest Yeah…he’s great The greatest The…greatest You see, Nerlens I personally ensure that no one makes light of my Mavericks Or else… Or else…what? Ah! My sweet tea! Trust the process! Trust the process! Trust the process! Trust the process! He is close, my lord Excellent, thank you Burn the witch! Fire Sam now! I don’t want more picks I wanna win! I wanna be in the playoffs! Off wif his head! You suck! You lied to us! There’s no process! You’re just a loser! It’s time, Sam! I just need a moment! They say an analytics man doesn’t have a heart But I ran the numbers, and nothing could be further from the truth You are a son to me, Joel Know that I will always be watching you I will always believe in you Please, forgive me for leaving I have no choice Sam, open the door You will be the light that pulls this city from the darkness The fruits of the process will soon ripen, and the harvest will yield great things Open the damn door, Hinkie! Get the battering ram! And no matter what you must always ALWAYS TRUST THE PROCESS Remember! Make sure they hold on to Robert Covington! Get your hands off me! Always take the best player available! Hey, be careful with the lottery spheres! Every pick has value! Maintain the long view! Value optionality! You suck, Colangelo Bring back Sam now! Your maester staff is terrible Hinkie died for our sins! Fire the Colangelos! Ugh, these damn Philadelphia fans Always so angry They should be grateful! I got a first-round pick for Nerlens! Okay fine, top-18 protected, but Sam always said– Oh dear, the fanlings have breached the castle walls It’s going to be fine, father Okafor is guarding the door Holdin’ the door hold the door hol’ dadoor oka door oka foor Okafor Okafor! That’s my n– Draft Markelle Fultz! GO FOR THE HOAGIES! GO FOR THE HOAGIES! Yo, watch it man, you’re spilling my water ice! Agholor can’t even catch Oh yo, look at this! Hey guys! Embiid’s on the table Yo! Paint a picture with me and Embiid, yo right here Good evening! As reigning realm champions and, with that, Eastern Conference champions, we welcome the representatives from each of the Eastern playoff Houses, to the annual Feast of the East, to kick off this year’s playoffs. So please, feast! Oh my god, look at this, there’s like so many wings! I hope Terrence is happy I know Dwane Casey was pretty pissed that we took the horse He scares me. Look at those hands. They’re huge! My mentality is you just gotta take it one game at a time I mean, I just try to leave 110% on the court Pass me the pigeon pie! Hey! …Hey! What are you staring at? Is there a pot of gold behind me? Is there a shamrock in my teeth? No, I’m just looking at the second-best team in the East Oh snap Big balls for such a small man …DWARF Oooh Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before He’s too short. He can’t play defense Hell, he isn’t even the best Isiah Thomas But somehow, this dwarf’s been scoring 30 points a game, hitting clutch shots, and House Celtics owns the No. 1 seed When this tournament’s over, you’re all gonna look UP at me, and you’ll know… there’s a new King in the East! This again? Didn’t we do this last year? We’ve got the chemistry and the defense to take you down Don’t sleep on the two seed my dear King, for the North will soon rule the East We are the New Kings of the East! This again? Didn’t we do this last year? 60 wins. Count ‘em It puts us in the one seed, and our house goes 12 men deep We are the Spurs of the East Tell ‘em Korverbird *HAWK SCREECH* TEAM BASKETBALL! This year, there will be a NEW KING OF THE EAST! We’re doing this again? You’re on your last leg, LeBron We’re coming for you There will be a new king in the East And this time I MEAN IT OK, Paul, you literally did this last year The era of Paul George, of Roy Hibbert and House Pacers begins now! Verticality! There will be a new KING IN THE EAST! We’re doing this a– They say your superteam can’t be beat, but we got the original Big Three and I say… ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE KG was wrong It’s not true Nothing is possible Th-there’s no point in trying Le-LeBron wins the East every year We should all be tanking The playoffs are a trap! They’re gonna beat us all! It’s a trap! We’ve gotta get out of here! GET OUT! GO TANK! GO TANK FOR THE FUTURE! [Sensual Dornish music] Playing in the paint, I see It’s my favorite place to draw fowls Why are you still here? I thought your bannermen left long ago Do you think they can make it home without you to carry them? [Sensible chuckle] How about a quick duel, James? One on one Just like old times I don’t have time for your games, Brodie Some of us are still in the playoffs You’re right. I’d hate to break those SECOND most valuable ankles before your next series Ay! You come into my casa with so much sass-a Do your worst, bitch! Mmm, very nice! A double Shammgod into The Answer’s crossover Impressive Actually, that was Tim Hardaway’s Oh, sorry I was supposed to let you get the rebound, right? Now this move here, I used it for my 22nd triple-double Ha! I used this one for my 42nd I don’t know why you don’t come to Houston more often You clearly love to travel Oh this from a man who leads the league in turnovers? Not anymore! Game point, James Time to show off those renowned defensive skills Ah, but actually, my defense is much improved! In fact, if you look at the numbers, you will see that I contested over EIGHT shots per game, Third most among guards— Aw, MOTHER FOYLE! We could’ve had it all, James If you and the Serpent hadn’t slithered away OK, Russ. Like this isn’t what you wanted ALL along To finally be the MAN All the triple-doubles, the Realm MVP… Now he does what he wants, right? …Everything except win Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get my ass kicked by the Spurs And get his ass kicked, they did Though Ser Beard and his bannermen won the first battle, House Spurs proved too strong, vanquishing House Rockets in six games Elsewhere in the West, House Warriors made quick work of the Brotherhood with One Banner and sent House Jazz to a swift demise When the Pop King and his Soulless Army tried to stop them, they found silver was no match for gold Over in the East, the Hammer of Akron smashed rebellions from House Pacers and the Canadlings All eyes turned to the one seed, but the King of the Fourth proved merely the King of Fourth Place And so it was written King James and the Champions of Balleros against the most powerful house the Realm has ever seen OK, well maybe second Second?! Who’s first? Well, obviously it’s Ser Jordan and his 96 Bulls Well, some say it’s the Bulls, but others argue it’s the Showtime Dynasty right here in Los Angeles! How do we become a dynasty again, Lord Magic? I want to become a dynasty! Well, the first step is to trade all the little buggers who send inappropriate ravens Harumph! Then, we sign big-time free agents Like Paul George! And thirdly, we build through the DRAFT Yesss! From the fire you are born, my little Lonzo The Triad of Balls will make the Realm shake Go forth, and get us our ONE BILLION gold WAAAAHHHH!!! I want to play for the Lakers, Daddy! THAT’S MY BOY! MUHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAAAA!